I have a midterm in an hour and I’m still on this goddamn website
I have a midterm in an hour and I’m still on this goddamn website
So, I finally got a little inspired to delve into my disorders. A friend of mine had posted a link to a Buzzfeed article with the title, “26 Problems People With Anxiety Will Only Understand.” I started reading it thinking I could relate to it, sadly I didn’t. Then it also got me thinking….is this what one of my closest friends in the world really thinks of me?
I really wish there wasn’t this huge fucking stigma with anxiety. When I was in my teenage years, I got diagnosed with major depression. After that, it morphed into General Anxiety Disorder. I was put on EVERYTHING, you name it, I have been on it. The only actual relief I have ever gotten is from Xanax, and I’m not afraid to admit that. Last year, something happened to me and I was crippled to the point of not eating,not sleeping, not moving. I would not talk for days, I had to be dressed, and helped in and out of the shower. Every sense in my body was in overdrive, amplified. My nerves felt like they were shooting out of my body. I literally was paralyzed, the only thing I could do was cry, try to eat, panic, and throw up. I then was diagnosed with a Panic Disorder w/o Agoraphobia. My life completely came to a halt. My friends? They had no idea what was going on, nor did I want them to.
I’ve delved into a little bit of it with some people, and what I just wrote about just scratches the surface of what happened. Am I better now? Yes. Will it always be like that? No. And that’s okay. What doesn’t make it okay is the stigma attached. People will always judge, or choose not to understand. And that’s okay too. What people with anxiety have to realize is nobody else’s thoughts matter except yours. Okay, maybe your friends (who actually get it) and your loved ones. Anyone else? Fuck em.
It took a really long time for me to stop giving a shit what my friends thought. I’ve never given a shit about strangers, and am super happy to meet new people. There’s another stigma with anxiety, that you are terrified with people and things. I am NOT terrified of either. Unfortunately, something just flickers on one day, sometimes without reason, and your just fucking crippled by it. That’s what people have a hard time getting. Sometimes nothing at all will cause it, sometimes a lot of bullshit will cause it, it’s hard to tell what will do it and that’s WHY it’s hard to control.
I hope to keep going down the proverbial rabbit hole with this topic. If one person can see this and get a understanding of what it’s like to live with anxiety, I feel like I accomplished something. Hopefully, one day my friend will get it too, but if she doesn’t?
It isn’t my problem, and I’m not going to worry about it. Because it isn’t even worth worrying about. And that’s half the struggle.
I ran into a former coworker at work and told her I was having a crummy week. She gave me this.
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
#kindness #bekind #bethoughtful
This is basically a side note to a longer post I’d like to make. I wish to be honest here. With that honesty will be a flood of admittance of personal issues. Some I am happy to discuss (my disorders) some, not so much (details of my earlier life need not be posted here at this time). I should also clarify that while I am not ashamed of my past, there are just things in it I’m not willing to share online….yet. But I do hope I can help someone struggling like I have for years with anxiety/panic disorders. We need to be open about these things so others aren’t scared to speak up. Hopefully I can be a voice for not just myself, but others struggling.
So, I’ve managed to stick to my guns. Write more, no matter what I feel like farting out. And NOT delete posts. So far, so good.
Anyways, today was my first *official* day back at work for a company I previously worked for. I can’t even believe I’m writing this, but it was great.
I loved being on my feet. I loved strolling up and down the aisles checking out all our awesome products. I jumped at the chance to help people out. Hell, I even got a hug from a man who I helped at checkout. That was pretty awesome.
I forgot how great it is to help people, esp. complete strangers. I hope it keeps up. Part of it also makes me think that I could really use my skills in my field (which shall remain anonymous) as a career in the future. Either way, I’m glad it was a good day.
It’s been a very humbling, and slightly depressing night.
So much so that I am unable to sleep, getting anxious, and am unsure with what to do with myself. So I told myself, “Hey, maybe write some shit, maybe? And maybe, it’ll help.”. So here I lay, feeling like absolute hell, at some ungodly hour in the morning. Just trying to vomit some thoughts and feelings somewhere so I can finally cross off “WRITE SHIT THIS WEEK.” in my planner.
…and with that….
A few weeks ago, my brother lost his best friend unexpectedly. To say that it has been hard on not only him, but a shit load of us who loved the guy, is a complete fucking understatement.
There’s a lot of horrible people in this world, and thankfully I can say my one and only sibling is not one of them.
He’s shed his tears, but he also has put his feelings aside to help with the aftermath, and be there for anyone else who needed a friend or just a hug right now. I see his selflessness time and time again, and I learn from it. His love for people has made me want to be like him, to be there when others need to be lifted up and know that someone cares and shit is going to be o.k. That is an amazing trait to have, and he is an amazing person, and I know he will get through this, somehow.
But what happened is really just a side note of why I’m writing right now, sadly.
I could go on and on, but I think the grittier stuff is best saved for another day, or maybe even another forum. I had just initially delved deeper into some things about myself and my family, but half way through this I’ve decided to self-edit (anxiety is the best!) and keep some of that for another time, if at all. Writing about family, and writing about this is tough. Tough is good when your trying to sort your bullshit out when nobody is around to talk to. (I’d fix the font that I messed up, but that is definitely something I give zero shits about, sorry!)
Here is the problem with what I want to do with my life. I love to write, I LOVE TO WRITE. But like a lot of people, I hate being judged by my words or thoughts. I’m not sure what it is, but sometimes I have a really hard time expressing myself without rambling, like I am now. I hate looking at my words and thinking they aren’t good enough, that I could have said more.
Or, I could have said less. Or that I hurt someone’s feelings. I am an incredibly open person. I love to talk, and I love people in general. When it comes to the vast majority of humans, I rarely care what is thought of me in terms of how I look, dress, act. When it comes to writing, and weirdly enough, writing online? I pump the brakes madly. I all of a sudden question the person I am. Wait a minute Ginger, why do you care? Do people’s emotions affect me that much? Depends, but rather than focusing on my own thoughts, I have a problem with worrying about everyone else’s first.
Just like my brother.
So maybe my brother and the events today really aren’t a side-note to this. Maybe they really are helping me in the way I need to be helped. To be uncensored, and unafraid, and to embrace my words because they are MINE and god dammit, censoring myself isn’t helping me with jack shit in the long run.
I’m still not sure what I want to write about in general career-wise. Ideally, it’d be everything, including day to day things. It doesn’t have to be mind-blowing, even thought that would be nice from time to time. Writing is really therapeutic, I wish more people did it instead of holding their thoughts in. I’ve only slowly started sharing my words with others, hoping if it isn’t helping me, maybe it helped someone. I can go to sleep knowing that I tried, and it’s because I wanted to. Not because I had to.
I am beginning to just be okay with people reading all this nuttiness, and trying not to worry what others think. Hopefully soon I can try to put to words exactly who I am, and how I work, instead of comparing myself to others.
**ANYWAYS, I literally could go on and on, and one day will.
If you made it this far, congratulations. I would go back and read it, but then I’ll just change it all or delete it out of fear of rejection. Which I’ve been tempted to do several times already.
We are our own worst enemies.
So I obviously had grandiose dreams of having about thirty blog posts of things and stuffs other than pictures. Or random shit. I’m still trying to uphold my promise to write more. Honestly, I’m still trying to get past the “Holy shit I’m not the only one reading this”, phase, so bear with me kids. 2014 will be the year of the Red Headed Rambling Writer.
I also had to make sure I farted out some nonsense before Spring semester starts….
I am forever five. #tetris #christmasbreak
I haven’t wrote something for myself in a long time. I mean, a long time. I’m attempting to finish a lesson in class, and all I could think about was how I needed to be writing. So here I am. I tried going back through my mindless posts of pictures to see what I had scribbled down here before. In all honestly, it was probably a rant, which is fine. But now I have a different purpose for writing other than needing to bitch and moan about this person, or that thing, or whatever.
When I was younger, I usually always had a notebook on me to scribble random thoughts down. My friends always said, “You need to make this shit into a book someday.” Maybe that’s my intention still. Either way, here’s my notebook for today, and I’m going to start scribbling again.
Let’s see where this crazy ass journey may take us, my pets.
*Update - I already see grammatical errors which are driving me nuts. I’m leaving them. F it. .
**Update to the Update - I already edited it three times. Who the hell am I kidding.