So, I finally got a little inspired to delve into my disorders. A friend of mine had posted a link to a Buzzfeed article with the title, “26 Problems People With Anxiety Will Only Understand.” I started reading it thinking I could relate to it, sadly I didn’t. Then it also got me thinking….is this what one of my closest friends in the world really thinks of me?
I really wish there wasn’t this huge fucking stigma with anxiety. When I was in my teenage years, I got diagnosed with major depression. After that, it morphed into General Anxiety Disorder. I was put on EVERYTHING, you name it, I have been on it. The only actual relief I have ever gotten is from Xanax, and I’m not afraid to admit that. Last year, something happened to me and I was crippled to the point of not eating,not sleeping, not moving. I would not talk for days, I had to be dressed, and helped in and out of the shower. Every sense in my body was in overdrive, amplified. My nerves felt like they were shooting out of my body. I literally was paralyzed, the only thing I could do was cry, try to eat, panic, and throw up. I then was diagnosed with a Panic Disorder w/o Agoraphobia. My life completely came to a halt. My friends? They had no idea what was going on, nor did I want them to.
I’ve delved into a little bit of it with some people, and what I just wrote about just scratches the surface of what happened. Am I better now? Yes. Will it always be like that? No. And that’s okay. What doesn’t make it okay is the stigma attached. People will always judge, or choose not to understand. And that’s okay too. What people with anxiety have to realize is nobody else’s thoughts matter except yours. Okay, maybe your friends (who actually get it) and your loved ones. Anyone else? Fuck em.
It took a really long time for me to stop giving a shit what my friends thought. I’ve never given a shit about strangers, and am super happy to meet new people. There’s another stigma with anxiety, that you are terrified with people and things. I am NOT terrified of either. Unfortunately, something just flickers on one day, sometimes without reason, and your just fucking crippled by it. That’s what people have a hard time getting. Sometimes nothing at all will cause it, sometimes a lot of bullshit will cause it, it’s hard to tell what will do it and that’s WHY it’s hard to control.
I hope to keep going down the proverbial rabbit hole with this topic. If one person can see this and get a understanding of what it’s like to live with anxiety, I feel like I accomplished something. Hopefully, one day my friend will get it too, but if she doesn’t?
It isn’t my problem, and I’m not going to worry about it. Because it isn’t even worth worrying about. And that’s half the struggle.